


I'll disappear as well

by givemeacigare



Category: My Own Death
Genre: Alcohol, Bathtubs, Death, Flowers, Hallucinations, Self-Harm, Smoking, Stress Relief, Weed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-20
Updated: 2019-05-20
Packaged: 2020-03-08 16:37:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18898522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/givemeacigare/pseuds/givemeacigare
Summary: A story of how I kind of would want my death to go. This was inspired by my dream and thoughts.





	I'll disappear as well

**Author's Note:**

> Please note that this has drug using, selfharm, suicide and alcohol using in this.  
> .  
> I just really had to write this down as I got inspired by a dream I had.  
> If you have problems with this kind of stuff, don't read and if you have problems yourself, please talk to somebody. But not me

First, I ate a meal. I had given the meal a long thought. I wanted it to be perfect. A perfect last meal. I had gone out and gotten some sushi from a good place, and white wine. I didn't drink much, because I didn't want to be too drunk for the coming events.

After I had eaten, I went for a nice nap that lasted for something like four hours probably. I really don't know. Nor do I care anymore.

I got up and I went in to my bathroom and started a bath. I lit some candles that I had put on the bathtub’s edge. I got flowers that I had bought earlier, cut their stems and put them in the tub after it had filled. They were pretty flowers: big, purple anemones. I liked them.

After that, I got the stuff. I got the last of my weed, that I had saved for this. It was the most expensive cannabis that I had money for and that I could've found. And it was great. Smelled awesome.

I got my stuff and went to the bathroom with it. I put it on the table next to the tub. Then I went to my room and got my good stereos and my cd-player. I also got some cd’s, which contained music important to me. The room was clean: I had cleaned it a few hours before I had eaten. Everything was where it was supposed to be, no trash at all and all the stuff that no-one was going to miss or need or that couldn't be sold, was in the rubbish. I had been thorough. I hadn't missed a spot.

I went back in the bathroom and stripped naked. Then I remembered that I almost forgot the most important thing. That one, small item that was going to end this sweet event. A knife. My special knife. It really wasn't that special looking, just a small knife with a wooden handle. But it still was my special knife. I loved it and I had sharpened it really well. Well indeed, yes. It was so sharp that you could cut paper with ease. It was thin too. 

And then I was ready. I had gotten the special knife running, or rather walking fast, quickly, but calmly and I was ready. I almost trembled with excitement and joy from what was to come from this event.

I got into the bathtub and just relaxed for a solid second. Then I reached over and put some music playing. It was lovely. Then I lit a joint that I had gotten. The first inhale took me. Not literally, but it almost felt like it. I took a deep inhale and then I exhaled. As I exhaled, I watched the smoke going up to the ceiling. It looked quite fun. I wanted to be that smoke. Just hover in the air and then at some point, disappear. But of course I couldn't do that. Not just yet, anyway.

I smoked the joint for a good time and got really relaxed, it was so nice. I hadn't had the time to smoke anything in awhile so it took a second to get used to. But after that it was just joyful. I listened to the music playing and singed along to it with no shame. I usually didn't do that. But now I didn't care. I was happy. And content. So in the moment. I didn't have to rush anything or think about anything that was to come in the near future or the future far away. It was just me, my joint and my music. I laughed a little bit when a song got to a point where it was literally just screaming and funny sounds from the artists, or something. Everything just felt funny for a good moment. And suddenly an hour had passed already. I changed the cd, as it had ended, and lit another joint. The second one felt even better. Everything just felt so incredibly good and I was so relaxed and I almost felt like the weed was making love to me. Or I was making love to it. Whatever. I had never bean so relaxed in my life. At least not for the past twenty years or so. I was always stressed. When I was in school I stressed about everything. When I graduated, I had money problems and that stressed me. Then I got a job that was almost perfect. But I stressed about being a good employee and doing a good job in the job. I also stressed about my family and basically everything and anything, so I didn't know how to relax. But this. This weed did it. It was like magic. All the tension in my muscles whent away. It felt like the tension melted. I felt like I was floating and laughing. I actually was laughing at that moment. I think. I don't really know. Everything felt like a dream. I started feeling like I was floating in space. Or in the clouds. I laughed more. And I cried. My joint had burned my finger a little bit, but of course I didn't notice it. Well I did, but not really. I noticed that the joint had ended and burned my finger, so I just laughed at the tingling feeling on my fingers and lit another joint. I also changed the cd again. Nice and not-so-relaxing music, but at the same time super relaxing music. 

I think that I fell asleep at some point, because at some point I kind of ”woke up” and noticed that my high had gone away little bit. I still laughed a bit. But my weed had ended. And so had the night apparently too. I had been in the tub all night and now the water was cold. So I got to the end of my event. I wanted to do it while I still had a high on. Only because I was a coward. I couldn't do it sober. So I did it then.

I got the special knife and just looked at it for a moment. I laughed at my reflexion. I looked funny, as my nose had bled at some point and my face was covered with blood. For some reason I thought that it was funny. I almost looked like clown. I was a clown at that moment. A funny clown. A clown that was laughing at himself.

And then I floated again. With the knife. The music had stopped probably hours ago, but there was still music playing in my head. I laughed at it. Funny. Then I just went for it. A cut there and more there. Soon my whole right arm was covered with paper cut looking cuts. And soon was my left arm as well. I still laughed. I looked like a tiger. And so I had to finish the tiger. I cut more again. On my tummy. And then my hip. And another hip. I still didn't feel anything. But now I was almost crying laughing. And then went my left leg. And soon the other. Now I was finally crying. But I still didn't feel a thing. So I just cried a bit more. I somehow noticed that the sun was shining in my eyes. Which wasn't a surprise as I was still floating in the clouds. Or space. But it was getting darker. And my head had gotten slightly numb. And I kind of knew then. This was it. My event was coming to an end. And I was happy. But I still cried. And I was sorry for that. But not for anything else. This was it. My last high. And a goodbye. 

Then it was there. It was dark. Blank. Empty. Nothing. And I floated away from my soul and body. It had ended. I had disappeared.


End file.
